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Raw Power Rankings: Boiling Hot

Buckle up buckeroos, it’s time for the first of many editions of our Raw Power Rankings. These will rank the top stories of the week in all of sports. Some may stay on all season, some may last only a week. It’s a never-ending battle for athletic literary supremacy.

  1. NBA Super Teams

Fuck. My Raps are good, but they’ve got no shot in this era of superteams. Golden State, OKC, Houston, Cleveland, plus Boston, The NBA Championship is shutout to even very good squads.

  1. Edmonton Spoilers

Whoa, who called for Edmonton to win the Cup this year? Nuff people, not me though, too smart.

  1. Go Leafs Go!

Gotta throw my Buds in here! Great young team, maybe most exciting in the NHL. Hockey is fun to watch again in Toronto after years of low-energy squads.

  1. The Jets?

Tank city? Not quite. The Jets have already surpassed all expectations with 4 wins! They’re still a dumpster fire shitstorm of a franchise, who probably are hurting their chances of a better future.

  1. The Balls

From Lonzo sucking to adopted brother Lemonchello Shanghaing purses in China, Papa Ball’s gotta tighten his ship. I’m rooting for Lonzo, seems like a good kid though. Best part of all this that you know Trump was fuming ALL DAY about not getting thanked for helping with young Ball’s release.

  1. Trust the Process

The 76ers look damn good. Joel Embiid is some sort of hybrid Shaq/Dirk/Don Rickles. He is savage on and off the court, unstoppable. Future ROY Simmons is trip dub machine, crazy talent. Trust, believe, respect the process.

  1. The NFL vs Kaepernick vs Jerry Jones

This story is insane. Kaepernick is clearly getting blackballed by a league who may be on the verge of a civil war. Double J down in Dallas is marching on team Goodell and this can only end in amazing chaos!

  1. MVPs

MVPs were announced yesterday. Mazel tov to Altuve and Stanton. I however, stand with Votto.

  1. Boston Celtics running train while rubbing Lebron’s face in shit

14: Number of wins the Celtics have won in a row. 14: Number of times Lebron disappoints his mother every minute. No link needed.

  1. Heaven Holds the Dearly Departed

This one is still eating me up. Roy was my favorite growing up. Never seen a pitcher like him. Seeing his lovely wife, Brandy’s amazing and emotional speech this week at his memorial cut to my core. Shatkins shat the bed on how they handled Doc’s untimely death. Still Hot, still sad.

Image result for roy halladay


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