What the hell did I just see? I used to not mind going to the movies and seeing a stinker, but that was before a night out at the movies cost me 50 bucks. Listen to me now, and listen good. Justice League is toilet fodder. It was unoriginal, unexciting and had dialogue which must have been written by a 10-year-old. Let’s just say that the author is still hooked on Phonics.
It wasn’t all bad, let start with the good:
- Gal Gadot: Gal usually sits atop all my lists, and this is no exception. She brings class, charm and the devastating ability of a Jewish mother to cut your confidence like a hot knife through butter.
- Aquaman/The Flash: These guys were more part of the minor justice league, they needed more airtime. Jason Momoa brought his bad ass Kal Drogo like swag to the roll, while Barry Allen was an energetic, nebbishy Jew and the go-to character for a laugh.
- Let’s just say it, Ben Affleck as Batman is a dumpster fire. He’s non-intimidating, slow, old and produces just about the worse one-liners of all time. Who thought it was a good idea to put that Southy-Red Sox Lovin – over the hill actor, into one of the greatest rolls of our time?
- Sticking with the theme, there’s someone worse than Batman lurking around Wayne Manor, which is Alfred. He may be the shittiest character in the whole movie. His meaningless, unfunny dialogue adds nothing to the plot and just makes me mad that he’s not Michael Caine.
- The plot. This was nothing more than a cheap rip off of Lord of the Rings. The “boxes of destiny/unity” possessed basically the same powers of the one ring or the several rings of power. The Justice League was nothing more than a lamer version of the Fellowship of the Ring. You have Batman as Frodo, the leader/loser of the group. Wonder Woman plays Sam, the real hero, and the one always looking after Batman/Frodo. You have Superman who we thought was gone forever, pull a Gandalf the White and come save the day, riding in from the East like it was the third day of battle. You have Aquaman and the Flash playing your Aragorn and Legolas rolls and finally, Cyborg is the worthless Gimli. (Last one may be a stretch, but both suck) As far as villains are concerned. You have horn head guy with his insect minions trying desperately to find these boxes, pretty much Sauron and his Orcs. Finally, you have Lex Luther, a slightly less capable evil dude, acting as Saruman, Gandalf’s/Superman’s mortal enemy. Watch this movie again, the parallels are shocking. Peter Jackson would be rolling over in his grave if he was dead, or had a coffin wide enough for him to roll over in.
All in all, I won’t be seeing another Justice League movie unless it’s Wonder Woman. Stick with Marvel, a money-grubbing franchise with good acting, smart scripts, great action and comedy that works. Also, Affleck should return to acting obscurity. Bring back Bale!